Let me make it clear an account of a close friend of mine known as Angry Vagina. One sexually disappointed day, she decides to join a mobile matchmaking application against her better view. Dared to participate by a Penis Custodian buddy of hers (technically perhaps not bangable as a result of “nobody’s fucking business”) the woman is struggling to withstand the process and therefore opens herself commonly and blissfully to your possibilities.
Thus we start our story from the famous furious V as she packages the app onto Rose-Goldie the iphone 3gs, putting the woman 6 best images such as a star headlining image as featured below.
Given small space to articulate her success, she actually is then obligated to condense her unbelievable biography into certain boner-inducing outlines and completes the woman profile to perfection. And just like miraculous, mushroom-head owners prepared for examination straight away appear on the woman feed.
Per dating application rules, Angry Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen can make this lady dried out as an item of sandpaper or else disgusts their. Alternatively she must swipe right if she wants to fool around with the fresh new shaft at issue.
Below we possess the advantage of watching the woman stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through the increase of moping scarecrows together with her new iphone 4.
Would I bang that man? No.
(Swipes left)
Would we bang that man? No.
(Swipes left)
Would I bang that guy? No.
(Swipes left)
Would we bang that guy? Possibly. Umm.
Remembering the meaningful fairy stories of the woman youthfulness, Angry Vagina abruptly feels responsible if you are very shallow and lends more soul to her “swipage” as she goes on her research Prince Charming.
Behold! myself is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath spoken.
(Angry V therefore reinvents the fairytale internet dating story, but this time in model of
Rapunzel
. Armed with boner versus sword, Prince slays poverty dragon in order to buy high priced iphone. He now climbs enchanted rope of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At orgasm of tower, enraged V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong sound . . .)
Brief man near little dog. Pretends getting large.
(Swipes kept)
Bicycle guy enjoys spandex. Golf balls perhaps not large enough. Kindly mount bicycle instead of girl.
(Swipes remaining)
Wide range placed in profile. Congratulations! Buy thyself rubberized snatch.
(Swipes remaining)
Too-young. Like teenager. Premature spooge probably.
(Swipes remaining.)
Why therefore bald on a regular basis?
(Swipes left)
“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed men allowed.
(Swipes remaining)
Cat hater?!
(Swipes remaining, punches phone in face, inserts profile picture of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)
(ongoing as if hooked.)
Program professional acting to get interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::
(Swipes remaining)
Kind abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.
(Swipes kept)
Extreme beard. Facial forest outcompete outdated growth woodland of Angry Vagina.
(Swipes remaining)
Gym selfies just? How ’bout knob pushups.
(Swipes remaining)
Oooooh! Someone is hat enthusiast. Needs to be covering bald place.
(Swipes left)
You reside WHEREIN? Or perhaps is that in which you park your car or truck . . .
(Swipes remaining)
Wow you want sports? Interesting. Certainly sort. Time to erase matchmaking application acquire married.
(Swipes left)
You love to SEXT? Where is actually center finger emoji . . .
(Swipes remaining)
Reveals themselves in photograph alongside hotter guy. Dumbass.
(Swipes kept)
States end up being committed it is your own coach.
(Swipes kept)
Young ones? Woman boner deceased.
(Swipes left)
Listed as “director” on profile. Of what? Furious Vagina’s irritability?
(Swipes left)
No account details. Hail to 1 pic of acne-prone epidermis. I would ike to go ahead and toss feet open available today.
(Swipes left)
Satisfied vegan with image of alive cucumber. Manhood most likely shriveled and starving for protein. I’ll just take Mr. Cucumber.
(Swipes kept)
Whaaaat. Now they are providing myself females. Swiping remaining too quickly?
(Swipes left much more slowly)
(furious Vagina takes split to get hold of closest friend “Nongay Wife” for sentimental terms via text.)
“Nongay Wife, I am top the opted for people (otherwise usually Kitteh) through wasteland like Moses. Looking around to locate h2o or Penis Custodian. I really do maybe not know if I will endure. Kindly send assistance.”
(Waits for answer and goes on search.)
Oh no! Swiped correct unintentionally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive guy thinks he could be appreciated. Fuuuuuck.
(New motivation.)
Left-swipage is slowly killing heart. Must make use of self-swipage for repairing . . .
(Angry Vagina requires impromptu break. Wasn’t willing to come back to penis desert anyhow.)
(Short while afterwards, back on telephone software like research pet.)
Trump supporter. Particular lovable. Can’t. Try To Let. Him. Reproduce!
(Swipes kept)
Nipples pointier than mine.
(Swipes kept)
Chief Executive Officer of something? How many unemployed dudes are there?
(Swipes remaining)
Yes! Long hair good. Lady-boner says hi.
(Swipes correct)
Tresses too-long. Homeless man.
(Swipes kept)
College student. Impoverishment dangerous to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too-late . . .
(Swipes left)
Appears 8 months expecting with Budweiser.
(Swipes left)
Cluster shot with girls! Attempting to encourage me they like you.
(Swipes left)
Self-employed hot guy. Wont bang you in parents’ cellar.
(Swipes kept)
Lots of sharp teeth. Might also have pointy knob. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.
(Swipes remaining)
Pretty sure each photo in your profile is of different guy. Crazy Vagina is actually perplexed.
(Swipes left)
Crazy smiley face. Appears as well pleased. Most likely serial killer.
(Swipes left)
Hot man fantastic body. Mundane personality and task. Swipe remaining, Angry V, swipe l . . .
(Swipes correct)
Over 40 never hitched. Depressed selfish man. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.
(Swipes kept)
Many thanks for revealing level. I am aware every little thing I need to understand. Bless you.
(Swipes left)
Oh no! Cell passing away! Must swipe kept! Must. Reject. Much More. Mushroom-head-
And merely like this, furious Vagina must refer to it as quits during the day until a cell phone charger can be located. Just for now.
In theory, the required downtime allows brand-new shaft leads the opportunity to swipe directly on her profile today, suggesting their particular delusional hope of banging the lady. The majority of won’t ever matter. But once her own opted for “right-swipes” get back the favor, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the land thickens.
Patience, Angry V, Patience.
To-be proceeded . . .
Link to lgbtagingadvocacy.org